![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
One step forward, two steps back
Feb. 13th, 2012 | 09:33 pm
So another day come and gone. I started today with so much hope and enthusiasm. But as I write this all I am is confused and sad. I bought a valentine's day card for Justin and was planning on laying it all out in the card. The things I've been wanting to say. How deeply I feel for him. How much I want him in my life...for a very long time. And then it all came crashing down before I could even get the card filled out. Justin went to talk to his PO today and he won't approve Justin transferring his probation to another state. Long story short...he can't move until November. And while I would love to say, oh well...we'll just wait till November...I don't have that long to wait. I need to move, and I need to move soon. My housing program is still ending. And the truth is that I just can't afford Marlborough. Not to mention...I really wanna go to SC. Not only because the cost is easier on my budget. But because it just felt so right being there. It really feels like the right place to be. So what happens now? Well that's a good question. I still need to have a deeper conversation with Justin about it but my gut tells me that he isn't going to want to wait here and then follow in November when he can move out of the state. It's not an easy thing. So now I'm facing moving alone. Having Gauge lose Justin. ME losing Justin. It's a lot to think over. It's a lot to deal with. In the time of only one day, I've gone from looking for a place for all three of us to call home to somewhere for just me and Gauge and so much more to do before I can leave. And it's really left me heartbroken. Trying to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share
Me Time
Feb. 8th, 2012 | 11:22 pm
So here I am again. Sitting in front of the tv and my computer. I'm back and forth between cleaning and enjoying some me time. So I'm cleaning but at my own slower pace going back and forth between watching TV and getting stuff done. It's nice being able to pause whatever I'm watching. Dealt with a lot of stress tonight between my issues with the house being a mess when I came home from work and not getting any kind of help with it, and also the loooong phone call I had with Gauge's dad. But in the end of things, I'm calmed down and enjoying some peace and quiet and am just slowly rolling through things. Lots doing on tomorrow. A little more final cleaning after Gauge is on the school bus, care plan meeting at 11. Then my usual weekly meeting with Yvette. (yuck). Other than that, I think I finally came up with a final moving day...March 12th. It'll give me two paychecks and one more SSI check before the move...and also four weeks to get stuff done. I know that doesn't sound like much but other than finding a place to actually live...we got everything done while we were in SC and the other little things I can take care of in the coming weeks. Keeping my fingers crossed it all works out like I see it in my head. Oy.
Link | Leave a comment {1} | Add to Memories | Share
Back to Writing
Feb. 7th, 2012 | 10:57 pm
So I decided to start writing again. Wow..almost a year since I've written anything. I'm not really sure why I stopped writing. I just did. Maybe a big part of it was because I hated everything going on around me so much that I just...stopped writing. Life is slowly getting better. I just got back from five wonderful days in South Carolina, and to be honest it sucked leaving and coming home. We had a nice clean hotel room and looked at really nice places to live, had a really good time together, and then...we came home. And I'm not saying things went downhill immediately...but it didn't take long. I went to take a shower this morning to get ready for work (after two hours of sleep by the way), and there was no hot water. Awesomesauce. Went to work..and my day was pretty good. But that's pretty easy because I love my job and got to work with one of my absolute favorite team members today. Went to the storage shed and got a good amount of work done over there. Grocery shopping with Justin and Gauge after that and it was a really good time. We were all happy and laughing and just having a good time together. Like an actual family. Justin even bought me a movie I've wanted for awhile, and that really made me smile that he would think of me like that. It's the little things that get me. We got home and things were good...but the stress is there hovering over me like a black cloud. I have to get the house cleaned to the point of perfection by Thursday morning. I'm back to juggling working 40 hours a week and dealing with my case worker for housing, trying to find us a place to live in a place where we can't go see them ourselves. Luckily I have Harley to be my eyes there. I know she would never let us live somewhere crappy. I'm back to dealing with the bug problem from downstairs that hasn't gotten any better and the landlords that don't care that there are people in the building letting their filth ruin other people's homes. And the whole time I have this feeling tugging me back towards SC. It's like now that I've been there...I know it's where I need to be. Not even where I want to be...but need to be. So much to do before then. Get my job transfer nailed down, find a place to live when we get there, get the car inspected, get my liscence, keep the bills paid while saving money to move with, pack everything. It's all just...a lot. Already. But I'm up for the challenge. I know I can do it. I know I will do it. I just wish the road to the happy ending wasn't such a bumpy one.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share
The Gap Widens
Mar. 22nd, 2011 | 08:47 pm
Lately I've had this massive fear that I'm losing my best friend. I feel it more and more with each passing day. More and more I find myself questioning why she is even friends with me in the first place. Why on earth she would want to be friends with a nobody like me. For months I have wanted one thing and one thing only. To have a girls night. Movies and laughter and no computers linking us together. Just time...together. But the universe hates that idea apparently. Because everytime we say 'yes...tonight is the night for movie night'..something either happens to her or her kids. The kids get sick, she gets sick, or something of the sort. The whole week she was gone I counted the days until she came back. We got together once while I tagged along while she did her laundry and we decided that tonight would be the perfect night for another retry to the movie night. It started to go downhill when I went to Redbox and it's been so long that I've been trying to get us to see this movie together that Redbox doesn't even carry it anymore. That should have been a sign. But I said fuck it...no big deal, I'll just buy it. It's a great movie and I wouldn't mind owning it. Then the universe struck for the second time of the day. Apparently I wasn't listening the first time around. She sprained her foot really bad...again. And I admit it...I broke down and I cried. Not even just sorta sniffles that came and went. I sat on my couch and I cried my eyes out and even threw a couple things. Don't worry, nothing broke. It's just hard for me to accept sometimes how different our lives are when I went them to be more alike. I struggle to find things to talk about sometimes that doesn't revolve around the fictional lives of fictional people. Because everytime I open my mouth to talk about MY life...I feel like an idiot. I have a tiny little entry level retail job compared to her amazing office manager job that only in my dreams could I ever hope to have or be smart enough for. She went to Vegas...I go to work and maybe the grocery store. The mall if I'm really, really lucky. I have no family events to talk about and I have no husband to share stories with. She's going back to school for her bachelor's and I wonder sometimes if I'll ever make it through to my Associates. My life is so tiny and nothing compared to the amazingness that goes on in hers that I just wonder sometimes how in the world I'm gonna keep this friendship going before she gets bored and wakes up and realizes how incredibly beneath her I am. And that's my biggest fear. That I'm losing one of my best friends. I really only have three friends in this world that mean a great deal to me and she's one of those three. And I hate going through everyday wondering if today is going to be the day I lose another friend. And I don't know how to fix it.
Link | Leave a comment {2} | Add to Memories | Share
Realizations
Mar. 9th, 2011 | 01:04 am
So today was a very reflective day for me. It started out with a nice walk downtown to go to my weekly housing appointment with my friend and upstairs neighbor Toshima. What was so great about the walk other than the nice weather, was that a walk that last time I walked it took me 45 minutes...took me 20. We left the house at 9 and got to the 10:00 appointment by 9:40...which included stopping at the bank AND dunkin donuts for iced tea and a bagel. I had to stop by work afterwards to grab my iron pills my doctor prescribed to me for my anemia. While I was there I picked up a few things including another 8 hour shift tomorrow. I've realized that work is my escape. I know there are plenty of people out there who avoid their jobs on their days off or who look for reasons to not be at work. Not me. I've found that going to work actually improves my mood. I get happier...just walking through the doors. This is for a few reasons. The first...is because as guilty and horrible as I feel for saying this...it is so nice to be able to leave my house knowing that my son is being cared for by someone that will be patient with him and care for him properly. Wether he's with Erica or Toshima I never need to worry. And it's nice to have a little break away for a couple hours. Secondly...I have been getting compliments from my managers about how well I'm doing, and it feels really good considering I don't ever feel like I'm worth a damn. At work I don't feel like that. I look at my friends and I feel like a damn failure. Sometimes I wish I could be just HALF as successful and talented as my friends. But I'm not. I've accepted that. I'll never be a big shot office manager with an amazing salary. I'm the target cashier working retail. Very average....very non special. But I enjoy the work and apparently I'm good at it. I also today made an even bigger jump on my being healthier thing. Another place I feel like a failure. A major one. Me and one of my best friends started eating better at the exact same time. She...has lost 30 pounds and counting and had to have all her pants and skirts taken in because they were falling off. I...have lost a total of 4 pounds. We'll see next week at the doctor if I've gained it all back which I suspect I have. So I went through my cabinets and bagged up four of my big reusable bags worth of groceries that do not belong in my diet. I'm shipping girl scout cookies off to the hobizzle and cappo jack to get them out of my house. I apparently need to kick things into overdrive. I started off thinking just being more active and eating better was enough. That I didn't need to be as crazy and controlling over my lifestyle changes. Well when one of us has lost 30 pounds and the other one is still a massively overweight whale....yeah I need to do more. At the gymnastics party over the weekend for the kids I saw myself in the mirror...really saw myself....and I hated myself so much. I wished more than anything I had something to throw at that mirror so I didn't have to see my ridiculously large body in it. And my last realization of the day...at least that is coming to me at this moment....I miss my Don Ho more than I realize. It might sound stupid and clingy but I do and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I watched Practical Magic tonight and the part at the end when Sally cuts her hand and grabs Jilly's and says "My blood...your blood...our blood..." and the curse lifts and everything is ok....I missed my best friend so much in that moment and with those words that it made my heart ache. If I could have magically transported myself to SC right that second I would have. I realized how much I missed crawling around cemeteries in wife beaters and watching so we didn't get caught while prowling for ghosts. Or how much I missed that kind of connection that Sally and Jillian have in that movie. Wether you believe in that stuff or not...I've felt the connection of being together and driving horrible things away together. And being so far apart leaves me feeling a little empty inside. I guess I miss my sister as much as Sally missed hers. I miss that other half that makes me whole and makes me feel strong. Anyway...I'm off to bed now that the reflections are done. I have to be walking out of my house in a little over eight hours. And I need to be up getting my little one ready for school in about six hours. Goodnight everyone. Blessed Be.
Link | Leave a comment {2} | Add to Memories | Share
Can't Sleep...Clowns Will Eat Me
Mar. 7th, 2011 | 01:20 am
So it's 1 am and I'm awake...awesome. Of course being awake in the middle of the night while nobody else is awake means just one thing...I laid in bed and did a lot of thinking I shouldn't be doing. I started thinking about my life. Because what else do you think about in the middle of the night while you lay in bed right? I started thinking about my life and a realization I came to today. My life...sucks compared to my friends. I am that friend who does nothing and accomplishes nothing. I don't have an awesome husband or awesome kids that behave the way everyone dreams their kids would behave. I don't do cool stuff or have exciting stuff going on in my life. I don't take cool trips. I don't have an exciting, important job. I am heavier than all of my friends. I don't have anyone that is even remotely interested in me let alone a significant other. I don't have a vehicle of my own. I can't take my kid cool places (thanks to lack of vehicle). I've been trying to diet with one of my best friends and have only succeeded in (again) feeling second place. I've barely gotten down making better choices for myself and she's lost 30 pounds and had to have all her pants and skirts taken in. I don't think I've lost any weight at all and have even failed to stay totally off of soda. I officially...suck. And it hurts. Because I look around at my friends and they are ALL better off than me. Both of my best friends rent amazing houses with their amazing husband or families. I have friends who have amazing family that supports them and loves them and are interested in their lives. I on the other hand....can't tell you when a single relative other than my aunt has called just to say...hey. Even my ex husband is engaged and has a new family while we've still yet to even FILE divorce papers let alone sign them. I'm not even worth the trouble to get rid of. It's apparently easier to just walk over me and move on the quickest and easiest way possible. I try not to but I truly feel so incredibly third rate and inadequate compared to my friends. I have a middle class entry level job which I take public transportation to most days, and couldn't even have this job without the help of my friends. In other words...I can't do it alone. I've tried and it's impossible. All my other friends...are doing it alone. And I'm just...failing. I fail left and right. And it hurts to feel third rate. Not even second rate. I don't feel second rate. Third rate at best. Reality can be a hard pill to swallow. Mostly because I don't see anything changing. I feel like this is my life. Watching everyone around me succeed and be amazing people with amazing lives while I stand in the back round and just watch them. I try not to be jealous...I really do. And I am so glad that my friends have the lives they do. But just once....just once even for a day...I want to feel amazing too. I want to feel special too. I used to think that wasn't so much to ask for. Just one day to not feel not just at the bottom of the totem pole but the dirt that the totem pole rests on. But maybe I was wrong.
Link | Leave a comment {2} | Add to Memories | Share
Sometimes I Feel Like the Worst Mom in the World
Feb. 6th, 2011 | 10:00 pm
mood: 
frustrated
It's only been since the end of October that I've had a "break" and I already feel the frustration creeping back in. That itch to just have one...just one whole day to myself to not have my entire life and world revolve around the world of autism. Don't get me wrong, I had a great day with Gauge. We really had a nice day, but it was one of those days that by the very end of the day I found my patience level not nearly as full as it could be. Between the bath time rituals that HAVE to be done and the freakouts over a single piece of hair touching from inside the tub, to not being able to put his own pajamas on...and then not being to take them off again when he had to go to the bathroom...or get them back up a second time... to the gagging while he takes his medicine because there was two drops too much pudding on the spoon, to the super long ritual of making sure every stuffed animal he has to have to sleep with were in the exact right place...I was just ready to throw something by the time he finally got into bed a few minutes ago. Of course this frustration stays on the inside because I don't want to actually get frustrated with him for something that isn't his fault. And sometimes that just makes it harder. When you have to keep all that frustration inside. And not just frustration...but guilt. Guilt that I want a break. Guilt that I even get frustrated when I know it's not something he can control or do on purpose. But sometimes I hear myself thinking....god why can't you just put your own pants on like a normal kid? Why can't I just go to the store and buy any pair of pants or shirts or socks like normal kids and not have fits over how they fit? Why can't you just go to sleep without a massive ritual of arranging things? I catch myself wishing on occasion that he was just a normal kid. And then I feel like the worst mom in the world. Because by Sunday night I am so ready for Monday morning to send him to school for a few hours. I hate feeling like that or thinking those thoughts. But sometimes it feels like my whole world...my whole life...is autism. And I just want one day...hell even a few minutes...when my life is more than dealing with everything going on lately. While he's at school I deal with the calls to the doctors and therapists and services, trying to figure out what's going on with him lately and maybe just maybe...get a few other things done before he comes home. Crossing my fingers and praying that there's not another note home or incident report in his bag about him hitting another teacher or trying to run away from his classroom at school. I feel myself reaching my....mom needs a break...level again and I know it's going to be a very long time before I actually get one again. It's hard sometimes dealing with this stuff all alone. And I know as his mother it's my job and honestly...I love my child just the way he is. I don't mean to sound like I don't. There are just those moments...where for a few split seconds...I find myself wishing that it would all just go away for one whole day. 24 hours of peace and no stress. But anyway, that's my rant for today...time to get homework done.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share
Now It Gets Real
Jan. 31st, 2011 | 12:37 am
mood: 
cheerful
It's Sunday night (technically), and I'm about to head to bed for the night. I'm ready for tomorrow to be the official start to my big change into making myself a better, healthier me. I'm about as prepared as I can be. I have lots of healthy food stocked up in the house ready to go. I created a page on facebook to journal and chronicle and document my entire journey. The exercise DVD's are taken out and ready to rock. There's lots of bottles of water in the fridge ice cold and ready to replace my soda along with freshly brewed tea. I've even decided to start a paper and pen journal for me to write down my own personal feelings strictly related to this lifestyle change in addition to the journal I already have about everything else. And unlike other times where I have tried this...I'm very excited about it this time. I am so ready to make this change. I finally WANT to make this change and to do it right. I've got books to read and give me tips as well, though I'm not following any certain diet or meal plan. Simply making better choices for myself and my child to live a healthier life and be a better me. Life is going pretty good right now. I find myself actually going to bed optimistic about what life holds for me when I wake up in the morning. And that has been such a long time since I could say that. As for now, I'm heading to bed. Homework is done and the alarm is set. Just wanted to get a quick post in since I have NOT been journaling everyday like I promised myself. But I will be much better about that from now on. It really does feel good to get my thoughts out. G'night all. <3
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share
You Know What....
Jan. 24th, 2011 | 11:09 am
mood: optimistic
I came to the realization today while I was doing my normal morning cleaning duties around the house...that despite what some people think...I truly enjoy my life and am happy with it. Do I wish I had a job? Yes. Of course. But I'm still looking. And I'll KEEP looking until I find one. But other than that...I really can't ask for much more. Yes me and Gauge are still considered homeless and living in a shelter. But our "shelter" is a two bedroom apartment that is JUST OURS. We have a roof and four walls. Gauge is in school and they're working on making sure he gets the testing he needs to make sure he's in the best school program for him and his needs. Our apartment is walking distance to an amazing park (when it stops dumping snow on us) and also the bus line. Does the bus line have limitations to days and times it runs? Yes. But it's still a bus line that will get me to the store and my weekly meetings. Gauge is in daycare. A day care that truly wants to work with his behavioral issues and wants to see him succeed in their program. I have best friends who WANT to see us succeed and achieve our goals. My apartment finally looks..and more importantly FEELS like a home. Like OUR home. There are issues and obstacles to over come, everyone has them. And we still have a long way to go but I think the majority of people out there can agree that life is an ever changing work in progress. I still need a car, still need a license, still need a job and still need to find an apartment that isn't a shelter. BUT...at least I can be happy while I work on that list. At least I can say...I'm finally seeing the sun over the horizon. I see the change from one year ago today. The last time I got a grant from school which was actually right about a year ago, (it was last February I believe) one hundred percent of it went to paying bills and keeping our heads about water a little more. That was it. Period. I was able to get some new much needed clothes. This year? I was able to take my friends out to eat a couple times, got new stuff for the apartment to personalize it and make it more ours and to get and keep things organized. Gauge got a few new toys. I got some things I actually WANTED, not just needed. I bought presents for my friends. I paid up some bills for the next few months so I don't have to worry about them. And still have money left over in the bank. That is an amazing feeling. And yes I had some incredible help along the way from friends to get to this place but I still got to this place. And I'm keeping me in this place. And fuck anyone who thinks my life is in shambles or that I'm walking around this depressed zombie. If that's your opinion...then you obviously don't know me at all and you aren't reading this blog because I've already REMOVED you from my life.
Link | Leave a comment {1} | Add to Memories | Share
Trying to Stay Positive
Jan. 11th, 2011 | 08:23 pm
mood: frustrated
So a whole 24 hours or less after posting about how much more postive I wanted to be...I'm already challenged. I'm trying so hard to find a job. It's not even like a want some big fancy job making a ton of money. A part time cashiering job would make my day. Fuck it would make my year. I have a whole stack of applications just waiting to take back to the mall. It seems like I never can find a day or time to bring them back. Either the buses aren't running or I don't have the money to take the bus...or I have appointments or meetings to go to for things with Gauge or with housing. Today I got a whole new stack of letters from more housing authorities. All with at least a two years waiting list. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't understand why the fates are being so cruel. Why the powers that be are punishing me the way they are. I'm not asking for a lot. I'm not asking for a mansion and a sports car. I just want a decent job and an apartment that's mine and isn't considered a homeless shelter. Now I am still trying to stay positive and count the blessings that I do have. I'm not with my son in an actual shelter, we have a two bedroom apartment that is just ours. Gauge is in a school that is trying their hardest to figure out what is best for him. But there are still days when I wonder...why is this all still happening? Why aren't things turning around for me? It's just discouraging....
